Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
