I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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