why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
When did angry sex become our thing?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
