Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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