please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
