Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
