listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
