Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
