Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
