if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
