Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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