did you get engaged???
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
