So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
