I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
