I'm so fucking centered right now
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
