i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
