Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
