I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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