id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
