I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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