so that wasnt chicken after all
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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