i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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