You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
