I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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