I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
