I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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