pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
