hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
