This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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