There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
