I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
