We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
