I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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