Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
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