he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
