I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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