i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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