he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
