I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
