My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
