fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
