she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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