Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You were trust falling into bushes
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
