I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
