I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
