At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
