Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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