He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
