Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
