That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
