i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
