I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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