Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
bring money and cleavage
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
