She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
