I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
If I die, sorry about rent.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
