I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
