i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize