When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
