woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
