just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
