I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
No stitches, just platelets and will power
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
